stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
