Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
