Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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