Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
