my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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