the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
