My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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