When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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