I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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