12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I didn't notice because vodka
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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