Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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