A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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