yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
