cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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