She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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