Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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