I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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