Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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