I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
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