so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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