We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
