Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
