I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
