i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i think i just lost a toe
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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