she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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