apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So many bounce houses so little time
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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