Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
