totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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