I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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