oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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