I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
