I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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