These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
