I just saw a hot homeless man
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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