Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
