Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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