I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
