I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
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We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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