Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
