I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
