nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
