I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
