she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
