I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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