God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We had to coat check the pizza.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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