Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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