Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
