Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
