drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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