no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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