theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
