1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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