The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I stole a fireplace last night.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
