yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
actually, I'm a sock model
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
