I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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