if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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