so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
