she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
